One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize