I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He keeps bees of course he's weird
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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