i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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