You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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