I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
