So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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