Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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