Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
