I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
