remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
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