we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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