K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
