I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
My dick has a subreddit
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
