The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
