i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize