I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
