Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
