So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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