You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
