Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
