Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize