Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
