mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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