I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
