Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Come see our sink grown plant.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
