there's paper in my vomit.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Randomize