I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Randomize
