oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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