i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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