what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
