Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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