I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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