when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
