So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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