My room smells like vodka and shame
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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