I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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