GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
