So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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