fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
