seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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