I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
