Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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