grandma shit on top of the toilet
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
