I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
