I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
