I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
