We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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