i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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