i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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