I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
he's single and there are thong briefs.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
