Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
