If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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