Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
