For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
