I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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