: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
