We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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