im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
