dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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