I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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