i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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