yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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