If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
