Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
