Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
