He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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