So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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