i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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