if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
