if i died would you start the facebook group?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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